What is self-love? Why do so many people struggle to love themselves? Self-love is not selfish. It’s not about stepping on others. It’s not about grandiosity or arrogance. Self-love allows us to show up for others with energy and to be happier in our interpersonal relationships. It lets us see when others try to take advantage of us, treat us poorly or do not respect our boundaries. We won’t accept poor behavior from others because we honor and respect ourselves.
One component of self-love is our inner dialogue. This can be understood as the voice we hear more than any other in this world. The voice inside of our heads, narrating our existence and making comments. Is your inner dialogue harsh with you? Is it soft? Forgiving? Encouraging? If it’s harsh and critical, you might ask yourself: Does it sound like anyone in your life? Does it remind you of an unforgiving teacher? Or a parent with alcoholism? When you make a mistake, as we all do as humans, how do you speak to yourself? How would you speak to a best friend if they were going through a similarly challenging situation?
If you notice that you would be kind to a friend struggling but have a tendency to not show yourself the same warm love, I have a few suggestions for you. First, utilize positive self-mantras and reframe negative thoughts. For example, if you tell yourself “My ass looks fat in this. Why can’t I lose weight?” positive self-mantras could be “My body is strong.” “I grew a child with my body.” “I am more than the physical.” “I am a smart, bad bitch.” If you’ve been thinking “I screwed up at work again,” try “I bring humor to the team,” or “I try my best,” or “I am enough.” Write these sayings down and place them where you will regularly see them. I’m talking post-it notes on your mirror, write it in your journal, or put it on the whiteboard on the refrigerator. SAY TO YOURSELF, OUT LOUD, YOUR POSITIVE MANTRA OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Don’t believe what you are repeating? Feels cheesy? What’s worse, feeling embarrassed at first or continuing with feelings of low self-worth? If it feels phony to you, fake it until it doesn’t feel disingenuous. You are working on re-wiring how your brain functions. You are training yourself to embrace self-love.
My next suggestion is that you make it a habit to do nice things for yourself. Engage in self-care. Wear clothes that make you feel good. Buy yourself fresh flowers. Spend time out in your garden. Cuddle your dog. Organize one drawer in the desk and cross it off your to-do list. Think about short, medium and long-term goals that will enhance your life. Put your dreams down onto a Vision Board.
Come to therapy and show me your Vision Board! I will be curious and respectful. If you’re not sure of how to make a piece of Expressive Art like this, I can explore that with you and provide suggestions. Let’s talk it out. Sometimes we need professional help and validation. Your feelings are valid, including the desire to flip a negative script into something healthy that works for you. You’re important; as a human being you deserve love and kindness. One use of therapy is re-parenting. If your parents weren’t emotionally supportive of you in your youth, this could be the root cause of trouble with self-love. This isn’t uncommon. This doesn’t mean you’re terribly broken. We didn’t choose the environments we grew up in, but we can choose to heal as adults. I wish you happiness.
