Love shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t try to control your actions and behaviors by exerting power over you. The same is true for our partners. Unfortunately, Domestic Violence (DV) is prevalent in the United States. 1 in 4 American women and 1 in 5 American men will be in a Domestic Violence relationship, or have experienced DV in some form, in their lives. But people aren’t walking statistics. They come to therapy to try to process and heal from the damage. They arrive to session to attempt to understand the psychology behind DV and to better understand how to never fall into its trap again. Many times, Victims/Survivors blame themselves for not recognizing the signs earlier on. They think they should have known better or have gotten out of the relationship sooner. It’s crucial for these folks, and for their therapists, to understand that it is never the Victim/Survivor’s fault. DV is an active choice made by the Abuser.
Domestic Violence doesn’t have to be physical. Insults, name-calling, emotional manipulation, verbal threats, stalking, snooping, creating discord between family in order to isolate the Victim, taking paychecks away, denying the abuse, blaming the abuse on the other partner, playing games, gaslighting, minimizing the issue- these are all examples of Domestic Violence. These behaviors are meant to undermine the Survivor’s sense of self and are psychologically damaging. Sometimes the emotional pain is so confusing and excruciating I hear clients say “I wish he would have just hit me, so that I would have recognized what was happening as abuse sooner.”
Other times I hear Survivors (intellectually) state “I know I survived abuse and that it wasn’t my fault.” Yet they still ask, “Why didn’t I see the signs that the relationship wasn’t healthy?” Two main reasons emerge for me as to why this might be. First, many people are born into homes where Domestic Violence is the norm. In the name of “discipline” kids get spanked or beaten. Or adults yell, break things, name-call, shove and items get thrown. There might be intergenerational trauma. Perhaps the idea that jealous, controlling behavior is OK comes from the media’s depiction of love or the prevalence of toxic masculinity within our culture. I’m thinking of the male characters in movies or TV shows that won’t accept “no” for an answer from the female characters they creepily pursue. Steve Urkle, Pepe LePhew, the guy from “Say Anything” who stands outside the girl’s house with the boombox over his head.
Second, Domestic Violence in adolescent and adult relationships usually starts off with small boundary violations, a so-called “joke”, an opinion not respected, jealousy. DV can seem so small and innocuous at first that we don’t realize it’s become emotionally or physically dangerous until we’ve heavily invested our love, time and energy into the relationship. Because it feels like an investment, and there is such a mix of emotions as the relationship probably had its loving moments, it makes it more difficult to end.
I want to give some bullet points of “Red Flags” for potential toxic DV relationships:
-Abuser makes “jokes” or “teases” at your expense and doesn’t stop/minimizes when asked to stop. Says “You’re being too sensitive.”
-Tries to reduce/cut off contact between you and your friends. Says “They don’t like me!”
-Jealous if you have other hobbies, interests and friends that don’t involve them.
-When poor behavior is brought up abusers will minimize “Oh! It wasn’t that bad!”, deny “I never said that” and blame “It’s actually your fault.”
Episodes of abuse might be followed by the abuser “making it up”, “love bombing” or seeming remorseful. This tends to continue on in an ongoing cycle. Abuse, making up, building up of tension, abuse, etc… with the “make-up” periods becoming shorter and shorter and farther few between. I try to help clients examine how Red Flags in a new relationship are an opportunity to pause and re-evaluate what they would like. My clients deserve kind, healthy love. Maybe together we practice assertive communication and boundary setting. Perhaps it’s time to work on Safety Planning a change or exit.
So those are Red Flags and some psychology about Abuse. What about Green Flags? These indicate healthy, loving relationships!
Green Flags:
-an attitude of mutual respect (interest in what you do, what your thoughts are, caring about your feelings, curiosity about your boundaries, willingness to compromise, respecting consent)
-Each partner able to have shared and separate friends and interests. Comfortable being together and with being apart.
-lack of jealousy, or at least ability to work through jealous feelings without using feelings as an excuse to try to control partner
-striving to create open lines of assertive communication, respectful ways of speaking that doesn’t include belittling, name-calling, screaming or using insults
An exercise I do with clients who aren’t sure if their relationship is healthy or not (denial is a mighty powerful coping mechanism…) is to have them read Corinthians 13: 4-8 out loud with me in session:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”
Then I have them replace the word “love” with their partner’s name. The effect this has on people is profound. It helps them to find their answer. I hope to be able to help clients learn to trust their gut feelings, to listen to their intuition and to understand that they deserve Green Flags.
