When is gift giving appropriate within the therapeutic relationship? I’ve been thinking about this recently as Christmas and the holiday season is often accompanied by gift giving. There can be a bit of merriment in the air around Winter Solstice, some whimsy. The counseling relationship is oftentimes, and understandably, a deep one. Gifts can be a common “love language” for people. Gifts can be a form of kindness. A sign of gratitude.
I have had a handful of clients give me presents over the years, usually celebrating Christmas or the end of a successful round of treatment. There has been a desire to say thank you, a way to signify a healthy goodbye. Most of the gifts have been handmade by the clients- a knitted hat, a clay figure, one person even made me a DIY kaleidoscope- which amazed me! Who knew that one might be able to make a kaleidoscope at home?
Any action, any conversation, any exchange between a patient and counselor is “grist for the therapy mill” as Dr. Irving Yalom often points out in his work. I like to ask clients what gift giving means to them. What does their particular gift signify? I might hear that knitting is a particularly helpful Grounding tool to reduce anxiety, a wonderful alternative to “doom scrolling” on a cell phone or something that keeps the hands busy and away from vaping. Maybe the gift of the knitted hat has to do with the client’s unconscious fear that I don’t properly cover my head in the Winter, that I’ll catch my death of the cold. Are they trying to ward off illness and death in their therapist?
The clay figure and the kaleidoscope might be an attempt to add beauty to the therapeutic office. The act of creating can bring happiness, relief, joy. There might be an important memory attached to the piece. How did they learn to mold clay? Who were their teachers? What lessons did they learn about themselves from the significant people in their lives? Or, maybe it’s art for art’s sake, which we can explore, too if that’s what they fancy.
I usually keep the gifts displayed in plain sight in my office at all times. I’ve joked with clients that this way, they can take the gift back if they get angry with me. Clients sometimes get angry with their therapists. (While I’ve experienced patients’ anger, no one has taken a gift back at the time of this writing…)
I’ve used the homemade kaleidoscope many times with other patients. I use it for a Mindfulness exercise that calls for one to pay great attention to a small object within one’s current environment. I am appreciative of this gift, helping me to pass along healing knowledge to others.
I have certain boundaries with which types of gifts I will not accept. Money is a no-no. Anything expensive is also unacceptable. It could hurt a client’s feelings to turn down an expensive gift, or money, but how a client handles being told no is more information about their lives and interpersonal dynamics. There is no obligation or expectation for clients to give presents. But I will want to explore what it MEANS to the client if it happens.
