I don’t have a lot of experience counseling couples. The majority of my background involves treatment of adult individuals, with some experience working with pre-teen children. Occasionally, I have worked with an individual who wanted to bring their partner into session in order to enhance their own therapeutic process. After one of these sessions went terribly wrong (think: new-to-me partner dominated the conversation and then had a full-blown panic attack/temper tantrum when I pointed this behavior out) I learned to carefully ask what the intention of having the other person in session is. I would try my best to deeply understand how the original client thinks the outcome will be and how it will help their treatment.
I started my private practice in September and have been approached since then by a few different couples to work with them. I’ve been upfront that I don’t have much experience. While I did take the mandatory Family Systems class in graduate school, I have an understandable case of Imposter Syndrome around this modality. I have processed these feelings by reminding myself: We all start providing therapy with little to no experience. You become skilled by trying out the theories you learn in school, by gaining knowledge from your mistakes, seeking consultation and from continuing to educate yourself.
It made me curious as to why these particular couples picked me, and continued to want to work with me even though I shared that I am not very experienced with this style of counseling. The pattern has been that one of the partners, in each of the couples, has Bipolar Disorder. The partner has not felt understood by previous couples’ therapists/previous counselors. The fact that I make my journey of having survived Bipolar One Disorder a main point of my private practice appeals to them. I deeply empathize with how close to death manic psychosis can push a human. I’ve felt those debilitating lows that made obtaining gainful employment seem impossible. When I hear about impulsive, angry behavior, I don’t find it particularly shocking. I get that inpatient hospitalization can be a uniquely traumatizing experience (we need to do so much better as a society…), but I also realize hospitalization is necessary when physical safety becomes jeopardized. It is my belief that psych medication is crucial for proper treatment of this disorder, with empathy that side effects can be incredibly difficult. I don’t just encourage my clients with Bipolar to take their medication; I take my medication as well. I didn’t always have this acceptance. There was a period of grief over the person I thought I was and there is always the question of how much of my “bad behavior” can be pinned onto Bipolar Disorder and how much of it is me being an asshole? It makes sense that this mood disorder puts unique strains onto relationships, especially marriage.
As I steep myself into reading the marriage counseling books, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” by John Gottman, “We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love,” by Stan Tatkin, and even “Mating in Captivity” by the saucy Esther Perel, I continue to mourn my own separation and impending divorce. I wonder, will couples want to work with a woman who couldn’t make her own marriage last? I brought this up to my consultant, who is an expert on couples’ counseling. She thinks working with a divorcee might be something couples find valuable. There are lessons I have learned; in a similar way I have learned lessons from Bipolar One Disorder. None of us are perfect. I do wish, however, that I had read the marriage books prior to my wedding.
